The invisible Pink Unicorns, or I.P.U's are the true masters and creators of the universe. They existed before anything existed. They even existed before they existed. There is no possible way for me to explain how this is possible. We just have to be content with the knowlege that Invisible Pink Unicorns exist, and they are beyond our ability to comprehend.
I know of their existence because my cat, Cloe, is the devine prophet of the Invisible Pink Unicorns. Cloe speaks to them secretly, and reveals their astounding truths to me by whispering into my ear late at night when no-one else is around. Cloe tells me that she has chosen me to help her spread the word about the I.P.U's.
Some people may be tempted not to believe what I say. "Prove that they exist", many have asked of me. To this I say, "Prove that they don't exist"! This stops people dead in their tracks, for it is impossible to prove that something doesn't exist. As Cloe has told me, the I.P.U's have decreed that things can only be proven to exist, but they can't be proven not to exist. Some are still not swayed by the power of this argument.
It is at these times that I pull out concrete evidence of their existance. I take out a piece of paper on which I have written the words, "The Invisible Pink Unicorns exist". Every once in a while someone will not recognize the extreme concreteness of this evidence and ask, "So what, you just wrote that down, that doesn't mean anything". This I will not stand for. I raise the paper and shout, "Doesn't mean anything!? These are the words of the Invisible Pink Unicorns!".
This is what Cloe has told me about the universeThe I.P.U's created matter, energy, and the Physical laws of the universe. Actually, it is more correct to say that they created the phisical laws of the universe, and the physical laws created everything else. One of the laws of the Universe is that sub-atomic particles are constantly coming in and out of existence in all parts of the universe. These particles are usually very unstable and only exist for a few nanoseconds or less. Within a small time period, (such as one we can fathom) the likelyhood of one of the spontaneous appearance of a stable particle is very small. Given enough time, however, the likelyhood reaches near certainty. Thus in the absence of matter, the physical laws of the Invisible Pink Unicorns ensure that matter will be created.
Somehow the creation of one of these particles has a domino effect that causes countless other stable particles to come into being. Thus, the I.P.U's have created a mechanism for the proliferation of matter. These stable particles are few in number, and when they react with each other, they form the familiar electrons, protons, and neutrons. All known matter of larger-than-sub-atomic size is made of these three elements and follows the physical laws such that we have been able to predict the properties and existance of elements never seen before. In fact, our Table of the Elements actually includes many elements that have not been found or synthesized, but already have names. After element 98 or so, they become increasingly unstable (so far). Element 105 is the largest to have been synthesized.
After the first stable sub-atomic particle formed, there was an explosive burst of new stable particle formation in a chain reaction that led to all the stable matter in the current universe. After that the matter reacted in predictable ways governed by the physical laws. One of the fundamental laws is that things with what we call, "opposite charge" attract each other. People do not understand why this is so. I do. It is so because the Invisible Pink Unicorns say so. This law creates gravity, among other things, and led to the formation of large congregations of matter that eventually became the familiar planets, comets, stars, etc.
Once upon a time, in the seventies, scientists made some measurements and concluded that the universe was expanding, and slowing down and would one day collapse. This amused the Invisible Pink Unicorns. It was like bacteria from inside your nose noticing that after you sneezed, all the particles arround it were moving, and therefore concluding that your nose is the center of the universe, and one day the universe will fall back and collapse on your nose. More recent measurements show that the "universe" seems to be speeding up rather than slowing down. This further amuses the Invisible Pink Unicorns.
Many people are curious about how life beganCloe has told me tales about the Invisible Pink Unicorns, and the beginning of "life".
First of all, The I.P.U's find the concept of life to be silly and inconsistant, but they do understand it. "Life" as people define it usually includes something that can reproduce itself, and grow. This is inconsitant because many cells in our body can not reproduce themselves. Brain cells can not. Are brain cells alive? Planets grow. Thier gravity attracts foreign particles. Are Planets alive?
People even squabble about what is alive. Viruses do not grow, but cause cells to reproduce themselves. Some people think they aren't alive because they don't "reproduce themselves". Cells need outside material and energy to reproduce themselves. Do they really "Reproduce themselves"? Lastly prions are molecules that can convert other molecules into themselves. Thats the same thing we do, we convert other molecules into ourselves. Are prions alive?
Since "life" is impossible to define, it is impossible to define when life began. all matter obeys the same laws, even "life". A long time ago, there were molecules like prions that could convert other molecules into themselves. There were mistakes made, and different versions were formed randomly. Some didn't do anything, but some were better at reproducing themselves than others. These molecules were simple and not what we would classify as life. As more random mistakes were made, and new versions were made, some of them became more complex. One of the versions was an acid called ribonucleic acid (RNA). This RNA could, of course, reproduce itself, but it also had a way of making other things that helped it reproduce. these things were produced in the same way it reproduced itself, but they were mistakes, useful mistakes. eventually these self replicating molecules formed other molecules by mistake that could make molecules that reproduced the origional molecule. These molecules probably tricked other molecules into reproducing them also. This is what DNA does. It gets other molecules to reproduce itself. Our DNA gets those molecules to make themselves and other molecules too, but DNA can not make anything. Not even itself. Viruses don't worry about making the molecules that do the work, viruses just wait till they come along.
These molecules still do the same stuff, they get other molecules to make other molecules. At some level of complexity, we recognize this as life. It's all just particles doing what comes natural, obeying the physical laws.
What do the Invisible Pink Unicorns want from Us?The IPU's want all matter to obey the physical laws of the universe. It is actually impossible not to do so. As long as matter continues to obey the laws, the Invisible Pink Unicorns will be happy. They don't care what else happens. You can kill your parents, eat your dog, sing out of tune, nothing you can possibly do will break the laws of the universe.
The IPU's think the idea or worship is silly. You are already doing what they want you to do. The IPU's are secure enough in their place as masters of the universe, that there is no way you can offend them. You are amusing, but insignificant to them. They care as much about you worshiping them, as you care about your dandrif flakes worshiping you. Even by our standards it seems wierd to want the things you create worship you. We don't expect it of our children, do we? "Now Billy, get on your knees and worship thy LORD and CREATOR MOMMY!"
The IPU's assure Cloe that after "Death", we continue to obey the laws of the universe. Since we don't know the laws of the universe and can't understand them anyway, we don't know what exactly that will mean. The IPU's however, have put aside a hellish place where all people who use the word "an" before the word "historic" will go to suffer in agony for all eternity, because that's their biggest pet pieve.
Let us give thanks to the prophet Cloe.
You should be wondering, "If they're invisible, how can they be Pink?"
The answer is: If you could see them, they would be pink.